Suicidal

I don't know what's going on to me lately
I've been feeling really depress inside me
Until I feel suicidal

I don't know why
I can't get satisfied from sleeping
I feel like I just want to sleep the whole day
Even though I would get headache after that
I'd still want to sleep
I ever had a dream
Where my sweetheart was telling me
"Don't sleep too much, you could die from sleeping too much"
When I think back
Maybe God is telling me something
But no matter what I do
I still want to sleep
It's like I've turned into a sloth

I feel useless at the same time
I could just have studied or do my homework
or do my revision or anything that I can benefit
But why on Earth
do I want to sleep the whole day??

My memories and knowledge
are fading little by little
I couldn't even remember the simplest thing
Like when I last took my shower

I feel very dumb
I don't feel like studying
Even when my teachers gave us some worksheets to be done
I couldn't even stand a minute answering it

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!

I don't wish to be a useless person in the future
I don't wish to regret what I've done
I don't wish to depend on people
I want to be independent
I want to be successful
I want to do wonderful things
I want to be the woman that I want to be
Strong in faith
Caring
Loving
Smart
Beautiful
Not
Idiotic
Egoist
Pessimist
Emotional
Weak

But what's happening to me?
I don't wish to be like this
Where's the dream I use to have?
Where's the hope that I wish for?
Where's the strength that belongs to me?
Where?


I'm crying behind the smiles
I don't really show it
Unless I really can't stand it anymore
Right now
Right here
I want to cry
I feel very suicidal
I want a shoulder to cry
Even though I know my friends are there for me
But why am I still feeling lonely?
Why am I still feeling sad?

Oh God
Forgive me for my thoughts of death
I don't wish to be like this
Give me the strength once more
To live another day fully for you
and for everyone else
Take away my sadness and sorrows
Replace it with your care and love
Shower me with your most precious blood
Send your holy spirit to guide me in my journey
To find the light and truth
and you
Amen